So Your Husband’s a MtF Crossdresser or Transsexual…

I’ve recently come across some posts from women who are the wives or girlfriends of transgendered males. The posts are often variations on the same themes: fear, anger, feelings of betrayal and loss.

Yep. Been there, done that and got the divorce decree.

As I’ve mentioned before, I was married for 11 years to a man who told me he liked to crossdress on our first date. In my typical fashion, I went into denial – for a short time. I figured he must be joking, and I let it go. It was maybe a week or two later, he reminded me that he was, in fact, sincere about it. But I was told it was just a “hobby,” and that he would never, ever consider a sex reassignment surgery (this was so long ago, that’s what it was called then.)

Flash forward a decade, and the same man was coming home after an day out, waving a brochure, talking about spending $1,200 of OUR money on electrolysis (with no prior consultation) – and trying to deflect my anger by at the same time bringing home a new, orange kitten.

I’m happy to say that my time with Pudge (the aforementioned kitty) has outlasted the remaining time I had with my now-ex-husband. My ex, who – the last time we talked about it – had moved back in with his first wife, had stopped working and was trying to figure out how to transition while having no job and no money.

Talk about dodging a bullet. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

In the early years of our marriage, I tried damn hard to understand his “hobby” and be supportive. This included buying him clothes and makeup, treating him to days at the spa (do you think he ever returned the favor? Hint: no), going to support groups and drag shows with him and even doing my own bit of crossdressing. I mean, I tried. I get an ‘A’ for effort.

But this funny thing happened. The more I thought about things regarding gender, the less what he was doing and saying made any sense at all. And as I went to more and more of his support groups, the more apparent it became that while the men were having fun dressing up like their idealized version of Lucy Ball or Elvira, the women were gathered in the next room, often tearful and sometimes angry. And more often than not, I heard the men talk about how unfair it was that their wife just couldn’t accept all of this, and how dare she say I can’t take hormones, and on and on…

There was talk from time to time about a “wives’ bill of rights,” which addressed things such as your right to have your husband be a man if that’s what you got on your wedding day. And your right not to have your husband steal your panties and wear them. Which is good, I guess. But there was a lot of propaganda, too.

I don’t know how many times I heard variations of “Now you have a new best friend to go shopping with!” or “Won’t it be fun to do each other’s hair!?” No, and no. I hate shopping, first of all, and there’s nothing to really be done with my hair. And I hate makeup. And anyway, what’s with all this stereotypical girly bullshit?

Oh, yeah. That’s what this is all about.

I’m here to say that from my experience, at least, this was not all good times at the mall and getting our nails done side by side. In fact, it sucked. And that bill of rights needs an edit. So here I go.

1.       You have the right to say no.

This doesn’t mean you can stop him from crossdressing or wanting to be a woman, because you can’t. But at any time, you have the right to call a stop to it all for yourself. Even if you’re married and made a pledge before god and sonny Jesus, you have a right to say you can’t do this anymore. Because what’s asked of a spouse or girlfriend of a male-to-transgender person is a lot, and not everyone can – or wants to – be part of it.

Bottom line: If he has the freedom to decide if he wants to dress or not, or to transition or not, then you have the right to take it or leave it, and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty if you decide it’s just not for you.

You have a right to be happy, too. If you get nothing else from what I’m writing here, let it be that.

2.       This is your life, too. You have a right to talk about it.

Another thing that was really difficult for me was the pressure my husband put on me to never talk about his “hobby.” I was told not to talk about it to my friends, to my coworkers or even to my mother. This is a sick and unfair thing to do to someone who is likely struggling because of your actions. This shit has got to stop.

Look, I get that men who crossdress are often paranoid about being outed, and with good reason. The world can be a harsh place for men who don’t live up to expectations of manliness – or women who don’t resign themselves to the gender prison, for that matter. I understand why, if you’re walking down a street in full drag, you don’t want attention called to you.

But that doesn’t mean that you as a crossdresser have the right to tell your wife or girlfriend, who is likely struggling with your transgenderism, that she can’t talk about it with the people in her life who support her. What a selfish and cruel thing to expect of someone. On the one hand, you’re putting her through a kind of hell, and on the other, you’re forbidding her to cope with it the best way she knows how.

As the saying goes, you’re only as sick as your secrets. And I saw a lot of sickness and a lot of secrets in that community.

3.       You have a right to not participate.

I also witnessed a lot of transgender men who were angry or hurt that their wives and girlfriends didn’t want to be with them when they crossdressed, and some who were angry that their wives didn’t want to be with them when they were “en femme,” and some who felt betrayed because their wives divorced them once they became more and more feminine. I can understand feeling hurt – that’s natural. And so is feeling disappointed. But what’s not right is expecting that a wife or girlfriend will stick around while you crossdress, undergo electrolysis, take hormones or even get surgery when doing so is tearing her apart.

If a wife says she doesn’t want to see it, respect that. If a girlfriend says she doesn’t want to be around other crossdressers at the meeting, respect that. If a wife says she doesn’t want to go to bed with her husband who is now wearing a wig and lingerie, for the love of anything holy, respect that. Browbeating someone into going along with something isn’t the same thing as having the support of a partner. Support can only be given freely. It can’t be guilted or shamed into existence.

In my case, I suppose there may have been the presumption that because I’d been with women before, that I should be accepting of my husband as a woman. But nothing was further from the truth. First – and call me shallow, I don’t care – he was not easy on the eyes when he put on a pair of fake boobs, a bad wig and copious amounts of makeup. I was not attracted to him in ladyface. And I wasn’t attracted to him in that state emotionally, either, because in trying so hard not to be masculine, he became some kind of phantom – a person with no personality or spirit. And that’s not something I wanted to cozy up to. The whole charade was a turn-off. I suppose the ultimate irony is that I left him for a real woman. Just because I am attracted to women as a class doesn’t mean I am attracted to ALL women, and certainly not to all men who are trying to be women.

4.       Important decisions require the consent of both partners

Like I said above, my husband one day came home to announce that $1,200 of or savings was now going to fry the hairs off his face, and oh by the way, have a kitten. Don’t you like the kitten? Nice kitty! Aren’t you happy?

You can imagine how that went over (though I do admit, the kitten – now a 7-year-old slug – was a fair trade for the husband).

I’ve also heard tales of husbands who decided to take hormones without discussing it with a wife, or who start moving toward surgery without talking it over at home first. While I would agree that a person does have the right to do these things, there is also an obligation in a committed relationship to come to sort of an agreement between the two partners first. Because she has rights, too. (See: Right No. 1, above).

5.       As long as you a wife or significant other, you have the right to be recognized as a wife or significant other

Admittedly, this one is a little geeky, but hang with me. In the last year or so of our marriage, my husband and I avoided each other by spending a lot of time in an online virtual world. In it, we each had our own ‘avatars’ and carried on a make-believe life that was far more tolerable than our real one. In it, he was a she and I was a she. And because we weren’t yet quite ready to call it quits, we spent a lot of time together in that land of make-believe talking to the same other people.

But the catch was, I was to never let on that we were married, that I was his wife or that he was, in fact, a he. It got to the point where he had a virtual wedding to one of those other avatars, and in his vows, he proclaimed that he’d never felt that way about someone before. Because maintaining that lie was so much more important than the respect I was due as his wife. And you know what? That really fucking hurt.

A wife or girlfriend should never have to pretend she’s not a wife or girlfriend just so her husband or boyfriend can pretend he’s a girl. Not in a virtual world, not in a chatroom, not at a support group, not at a drag show, not at a gay club, nowhere. It’s cruel. Don’t do it, and sisters, don’t put up with it.

 

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28 comments

  1. This is a really interesting read and often a perspective I find myself and others in the MTF TG world to overlook: the effect of hurting their loved ones with their actions and desires.

    An anecdote: One curious thing happened when I chatting up with some of the ladyboys in met during my time living overseas. I was at a bar chatting with a very beautiful TG (post-op) when the topic of crossdressing came up. I briefly showed her a photo of me “en femme” as I thought that because she was TG herself she would understand this desire. To what was my surprise (at that time), she suddenly lost all interest in me and left the bar — politely, but rather abruptly. And I was left a bit dumbfounded.

    You see, it hadn’t occurred to me until then that someone who would otherwise SEEM to be positive about crossdressing would actually be completely turned off by it. Not, mind you, by the act itself in a ‘moral’ sense as it is often posited, but by the way it affects sexual perception and attraction.

    It sounds like you had a real selfish piece of work on your hands, and that your efforts to reconcile with his lifestyle choice ended with your decision to break it off. And you what? That is 100% the right choice — because that is what works for you.

    I’ve never been married, so I can’t speak from experience. My thought has long been that marriage and/or children would largely supplant the desire to crossdress or at least make one too committed to the relationship in to engage it further. I suppose I will have to endure all that when the time comes, but I’ve been able to hang up the crossdressing before when I have others in mind.

    Mind you, I’m not anywhere near the scale or degree of transgendered identity spoken of above. I have no desire to undergo hair-removal or hormone therapy or have any express desire to abandon masculinity — save for in my own time — and I’m not in a committed relationship either.

    I’ve read your other articles critical of the drag scene and the crossdressing community. I think they are rather interesting and fair criticisms. The thing is, most of the time crossdressing/TG men obsess themselves with the social incapability of their actions, rather than the alternative side, which is the misogynistic and narcissistic aspects of it. So much attention is given to the potential reaction from the male-oriented reaction that one forgets the emotional harm such actions have on their female relationships, and that’s worth bringing to their attention.

    • …This is because there is a yawning political and sexual gap between gay men who identify as women for whatever reason that makes their life easier, and AUTOGYNEPHILES who think that every crossdresser shares the same fantasies about being a woman as they do… the individual you met is culturally, economically and sexually in a whole different world. its not a goddam hobby to them..they aren’t looking for a friend. they’re looking to survive. they don’t share your titillation at pretending to be a woman. they want to make money out of a niche clientele and survive.they live in a country where homosexuality is frowned upon but where there is little or no medical regulation and everything is cool so long as you can profit from it. if you made the effort to understand the culture you might have understood that Thailand’s sex industry is not about self- empowerment. see Iran, where you can be tortured, imprisoned and executed for being gay…
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transsexuality_in_Iran

      • to clarify – gay male to female transsexuals and their gay female to male transexual counterparts are invariably what we recognise today as gender nonconforming children – who often but not always grow up to be gay, a small minority of whom go on to identify as transgender.. it doesnt take a genius to work out where gender socialisation is going wrong here.
        it’s a bit trickier when you have an adult human being who has been ostensibly gender conforming all their lives and never given parents, siblings, friends and lovers any reason to doubt that they are who they say they are and present themselves to be…its only when the secret freinds and double life comes out that it all goes pear shaped..
        a stand out phenomena i’ve noticed among autogynephilic types is a propensity to cave in to their alter-ego at the same time a close female family member is negotiating puberty and quite often while a marriage partner is negotiating menopause.. suddenly losing interest in everything except adolescent female underwear, then going into a bit of a tizz they cant explain..then sitting everyone down one day and explaining how they need to be the woman they’ve always been but forgotten to mention before, and anyway they definitely aren’t gay, but they absolutely must live an authentic life from now on and that means you – all of you- gotta lie.pretend like billy-o this is all perfectly normal behaviour. you have to erase your identity, history, memories, sexuality and pretend from now on that he has always been a woman and you have always been lesbians. you must embrace all his ‘real’ friends who have helped him collude and conspire in this without your knowledge.. after all, some of them have probably been friends with him longer than you have been married.. what a surprise…

  2. Thank you for your very thoughtful reply. I’d like to clarify, for the record, that I’d never say that his crosdressing was the only thing, or even the main thing, that led to our divorce. If I had to assign any one thing the majority of the blame, it was his tendency to take me for granted — that I would take care of the home, that I would continue working so that he could continue his cycle of job-unemployment benefits until they run out-job lather rinse repeat… And it wasn’t the crossdressing itself that did it – it was that he made it out to be so much more important than everything else: “If I don’t get electrolysis, I might as well not live!” A few years earlier, it was, “If I can’t take flying lessons, I might as well not live!” A few years earlier, “If I can’t buy this clarinet, I might as well not live!”

    The schadenfreudtastic part of all that? He never bothered to finish his electrolysis (hurt to much) and he crashed the plane (no injuries). The clarinet, I assume, is collecting dust somewhere in his first wife’s basement.

  3. Love this blog entry because it adds a perspective we don’t often hear about. That said, not all crossdressers are created equal. The term crossdresser today seems to mean a guy who wants to dress up and pretend to be a woman. Even giving himself a female name as an alter ego and adopting female characteristics. In the past these type of people used to be called transvestites. They seem to have worn out that term and overtaken the more generic term crossdresser. Now when you say crossdresser people think of transvetites, they don’t think of a woman wearing a mans button up shirt or guys jeans because they fit better.

    But then there are people like me, who are technically crossdressers like the women I described above. We are men who do wear some womens clothing and want more options for menwear than just the same old boring suits, cargo shorts, t-shirts and jeans. We the same kind of variety that women have with only as much social backlash as women may get, which isn’t much unless she is clearly going for slutty. But the difference is, we aren’t pretending to be women.

    As a result of the whole crossdresser term being taken over by transvestites and the social stigma that comes with that, we’ve had to adopt a new term called Freestyle Fashion.

  4. I think there should be more discussion about this sort of thing. That way people would be better able to have their eyes open and know what they’re getting into. Those who are fine with it should be the ones who marry these men. Not people who are going in blinded by love and hope. As it is, we keep everything hush-hush and keep people ignorant.

    • roxics

      While I agree with you completely about openness and honesty, you know why they hide it, because most people in society (women especially) don’t accept it and don’t want to be with guys like that. Women are especially cruel about it because they want men to be men, pillars of unflinching strength no matter what they say about wanting a guy who is in touch their their feminine side.

      Men are already at disadvantage in the mating scheme simply because women hold the cards. If a woman wants to be with a guy she can find a guy much faster and easier than a man can find a woman. She can walk into any bar at any time and approach a guy and say “will you have sex with me” and 9 times out of 10 she’s probably get a yes. A guy does that he’ll be lucky if 1 out of 10 even entertains the idea before saying no. Not to mention that if a women wears pants or a mens dress shirts it’s cute or trendy. If a guy wears a baby doll tee and a skirt he’s a weirdo or a pervert.

      Women are more prone to accept something like this if they have been with the guy for a while and already in love them. Women are more emotional and guys know this. Women are more likely to fight to keep a relationship than most men are. It’s a lot harder to convice a woman on a first date that she should go on a second date with you once you tell her you’re a crossdresser. But if you’re already with her, she’ll probably stick around longer. Yeah maybe like the author she’s eventually get fed up and leave if he gets to “out there” in attitude, but if he’s a regualr good guy she’s in love with and he likes to wears skirts around the house or something, she’s probably just accept it.

      So while we can all agree that openness and honesty up front is a great thing and preferred. In the real world for crossdressers that doesn’t always work. Now if our society accepted them and women were just as attracted to them as they are manly men, then openness and honesty would be front and center. So maybe we shouldn’t blame them for tip toeing around the issue at first, but instead blame ourselves for not being more accepting of them

      • Brunhilda Swecker

        It is not women’s job to cater to men, nor is it our job to accept them. Stop stereotyping about what women are like as a class, and try to start seeing them as people, as individuals, rather than as sex recepticles that don’t want you. You are deeply sexist, and lying to someone to get them into a relationship is not a real relationship, it’s abuse. The blame is entirely on the liars, not on the women who don’t like crossdressing.

      • roxics

        Brunhilda Swecker I agree with you that they shoudn’t lie about it. I’m just saying that I understand why some of them do. I’m not trying to be sexist. I’m pointing out how men and women as a whole operate in our society. Of course individuals will vary. But on the whole men want to be with women who are more feminine than themselves and women want to be with men who are more masculine than themselves.
        But with a lot of people there is a degree of a flexibility if they really like/love the person. People are more accepting of people they already know than a stranger they just met. Just look at all the homosexuals who had conservative parents who would never accept a stranger being homosexual but once they found out about their own child being homosexual they slowly began to accept it and became a supporter. That’s not always true, but there are plenty of accounts of that happening.

        Also not all men may start out in the relationship as a serious crossdresser. It may build over the relationship. People do change over time. So can you really call it lying if that’s the case? It’s just like if you start getting more involved in some hobby you always kind of liked but during your relationship you get more and more into it and it starts to consume a lot of your time. These things happen.

  5. Damaking55

    I completely agree with your entire post. I was one of those men myself years ago and I still have regrets about what I did to my wife and my son back in my “dark days”. I was obsessed with CD and everything about it. What is interesting is that in my opinion most CDs want a woman to dress them and play with them but it is all about them and their needs. This is just one reason why I believe CD is wrong, it is very narcissistic and self-centered with little regard for how their actions will affect their loved ones. On the other hand I have also found that the BDSM world has a lot that revolves around turning men into sissies and dressing for the humiliation of it. There are few women that will tolerate the Cds behavior but their is a small percentage that are “hurt people” that want to “hurt people”. I commend you for finding freedom in your journey and standing up for your rights as a wife, friend and a lover. I only hope and pray that more men would understand the delusion they are under and seek recovery from this obsession.
    God Bless You
    Andrew

  6. Anonymous

    Hi femingen…I too am married 11 years. My husband came out to me at the end of February of this year that he was transgendered. I had absolutely no clue and was completely surprised when he told me; but after the shock wore off and I thought about it a bit it somehow made sense to me on some kind of instinctual level. I have tried these past 4 1/2 months to accept this – reading books and online, helping him figure out clothes, going with him to get his ears pierced, etc. But at the end of the day…for romantic relationships, I like men. I just do. I can’t help that any more than he can help being transgendered. We are in the process of figuring out how to divide our assets and all the things that go with a divorce. Both completely heartbroken…were it not for this, we would be together. I hope we can remain friends and I think I might be able to support him better in his transition if I’m not tied up in the emotions and identity crisis that being his wife has triggered in me.

    The people I’ve told have been very supportive – of my husband, but also of my right to choose the kind of life that is right for me. I find that the person who has laid the biggest guilt trip on me is…me. I’ve bookmarked this post so that when I am feeling especially bad, I have something to remind me that it’s OK to take care of myself. Thank you.

  7. I’m a MtF transsexual who is only into women, never been married blah blah blah. I completely agree with all of this. I’ve always said that if I was ever in love with a man, and he decided he wanted to be a she, our sexual relationship would be completely over that very moment. I could never date a girl.

    I’ll also say there is TOTALLY a lot of whining about the wives not accepting them in the community and it is such a bunch of BS. Like you said, you took this man to be your lawfully wedded husband. It sucks out loud for him that he is really a she inside (and to be perfectly blunt – most MtF transsexuals I’ve met that are into women only are anything but a she inside), but he did not take any of your feelings into heart it sounds like.

    It’s like some don’t think about one thing: a girl marries a guy. Changing that to a she throws everything out of the window that you’ve ever loved about him. I couldn’t imagine losing a companion like that. Screw shopping buddies and to be quite frank, it’d be very awkward for me to sit next to my “boyfriend” getting a pedicure… and I AM transgender!!!

    Seriously, on the transgender boards I get on, I want to laugh out loud when I see a thread complaining about “the wife” … dude, either man up or accept the fact that she didn’t marry you for your feminine qualities.

  8. Aries

    Hi Femingen and anonymous
    I have been married for 10 years and have known about my husbands cross dressing for the last 6 years. I have never been able to accept it just tolerate it in the hopes that he would eventually stop it if I kept asking him to. He told me he would stop but he never did and I came to realize that it was unfair of me to ask him if he wasn’t able to. I just told myself if it is out of sight it is out of mind, but every time I would see any evidence of his cross dressing it would make me feel extremely uncomfortable. My husband always assured me that he does not actually wish to be a female, just for that time being when he is dressed up. He told me that he is happy being a man which is why I still can not get over the shock that he told me just a few days ago that he wants to take his cross dressing to the next level and take hormones. He told me he is not content being male anymore and he wants to be a women. I feel like my world has been turned upside down along with being betrayed. I know he has the same heart but his handsome manly look is part of the reason I fell in love with him. I am attracted to his masculine features and I feel like that part of him is dying. I am not the least bit attracted to him dressed up as women or acting as a women. I am a heterosexual female who is only attracted to men. I agree that it is a major turn off. My husband and I are going to go to therapy. We love each other with all our hearts but I can not see how this would work. It breaks my heart like nothing else to think that our marriage may break up because of this. I hope you both are doing well.

    • I wish I could reach out and hug you. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, and I imagine you’ve got a big miss of feelings whirling around inside right now. I know you didn’t ask for advice, but if I could say just one thing, it would be to honor yourself. If you can find a way to stay together that is good for BOTH of you, good. If you have to leave in order to have a full life for yourself — that is also good. But whatever happens, I just hope you remember to honor your own life, your own worth and your own chance for happiness in the months to come. There is no right or wrong answer here beyond what enables you to have the best life possible. Feel free to keep in touch.

  9. Dramaking55

    Femingen and all you other women, I love the fact that you have a support forum like this for this addiction. Yes, I said addiction because as I have read all your posts I see the same thing time after time and that is that this is a PROGRESSIVE disease. Just like an alcoholic, it just takes one drink and we want more and more and still more. I believe that with CD it is no different and so it goes from once in a while, to only in the bedroom and then possibly out of the house towards hormones and perhaps even to MTF. It is sad how you all have been treated and it was totally unfair what your husbands have done to you and it breaks my heart.
    Men today are broken, hurting and drifting and fathers are absent in mind as well as body. I can’t tell you that it will get better but hopefully men like myself and my brothers will be able to reach these hurt men before they progress to the next level in this insidious compulsion and sin. We have to come together and say no more! You can’t take advantage of your wife or your girlfriend with what you call a hobby! This is a form of sex addiction and women need to hear me when I say that it is a choice that a man makes when he dons a dress or anything else. There is a cure and these men can be healed but we have to get to the root of what caused him to go in that direction in the first place. We have to tell the truth in a loving way and quit being so politically correct. We have to stand up for what is right and what is wrong and be willing to hurt someones feelings if they look ridiculous if we see a man posing as a woman for ,most guys it just doesn’t work and that is not the life that God had planned for you or him. I wish that I could make all your pain go away but I can only tell you that will in time and for those who are struggling right now with an addict then please tell him to check out Healing From Crossdressing and join us who know that healing is possible.

    Blessings to all
    Andrew

    • Well… I mean … I appreciate your comment, but a few things. First, we divorced, and don’t worry, it was the right move for us both. Second, I’m happily living with a woman now. Third, I’m Jewish, so…

  10. Beth

    My husband told me just before our 9th wedding anniversary (we had 2 children 7 & 5) that he wanted to dress in female clothes. I tried to be supportive but it just isn’t my thing. He used my clothes, he went to my beautician. I found myself trying to get away from the people that knew as it didn’t sit right with me. We nearly separated but we came to a compromise that he keep it to himself, we have a big house and he was able to have a room with his things so I didn’t have to see it and we didn’t discuss it. I didn’t go on about the evenings he spent in his room,
    We have now been married just over 21 years and he went to a meeting with some group regarding crossdressing. He later told me that he felt awkward and not comfortable there, but thought they could help him understand so he would try another meeting. Last week he went to another meeting so I waited up to see how he had gone. He didn’t get home until 1.30 in the morning and he was fully dressed in female clothes, he had taken clothes with him and changed at the meeting place but he then decided to stay dressed for his drive home. When I saw him I felt sick, and hurt, it was like being slapped across the face.. He proceeded to tell me that he had enjoyed himself and that he would be doing it more in the future and if I had gone to bed I wouldn’t have known any different.. It broke me. He chose the dressing over respect for me and our children. He has finally made his decision and the family doesn’t come into it anymore.
    I’m devastated, and at a loss. I supported him as much as I could cope with and feel that his thrown it back in my face. He comes back with that I wouldn’t discuss it, which is true, but after the original time when he first told me, I never asked him to give it up. I always saw it a something that was right for him but not for me and so long as he could keep it private I could get by. It had a big impact on our private life as he preferred to be dressed in his room instead of being in our bedroom so I also got body issues and self confidence issued out of his crossdressing, but I love him and understood that it wasn’t a choice but a need to wear the clothes.
    Now I’m 42 and need to start my life over again without the person I love as he chose clothes over our family,
    I probably sound selfish to some but I needed to be able to live with myself too, and crossdressing just wasn’t for me.

    • Hey, it’s not selfish at all to want happiness in your life. In fact, you owe it to yourself.

      My dad – who I always thought was a hard-nosed, down-to-business kind of guy – once took me aside when I was depressed. He asked, “Do you know what you need to do in life?” I guessed at the answer he wanted and said, “Have a good career?” He shook his head and said, “No. Your only job in this life is to make yourself happy. And it’s your job because only you can do it. I can’t do it for you, your mom can’t do it for you, no one else can. It’s what you must do for yourself.”

      I was 19 then, and I’m 42, like you, now. Those words stayed with me even in my most difficult moments. Beth, you deserve to be happy, but only you can make it happen. And I don’t even know you, but I believe you can do it.

      We’re in very different places in some regards – you have two kids and are married, I have none and am divorced and living with a woman now – but I would urge you not to think of 42 as too late to start anew.

      I’m guessing by the information you gave that you’re on the cusp of a lot of changes here – your marriage is in doubt, your kids are about ready or have already moved out. And change can be terrifying. Even paralyzing. But you can do it.

      Find what makes you feel alive and run to it. Because that is the source of your bliss. And only you can bring it into your life.

  11. stchauvinism

    Reblogged this on Stop Trans Chauvinism.

  12. http://naefearty.wordpress.com/2014/07/22/gas-mark-six/

    My blog.

    I’m trying to connect with other women who have been through this.

  13. Pingback: So Your Husband’s a MtF Crossdresser or Transsexual… – Critiquing Transgender Doctrine & Gender Identity Politics

  14. “..Support can only be given freely. It can’t be guilted or shamed into existence…”
    i think we all know that isnt quite true.. as you said yourself you TRIED. Most of us dont let go easily. it takes years… and even when you ve walked away, more years to rationalise and fight your way back to an understanding of yourself and a place where he no longer has any power over you. where you can begin to protect yourself and stop worrying about protecting him anymore. where you are free to speak the truth, where your history can be acknowledged and not erased. where you can safely mean what you say and say what you mean.
    Some women keep trying because they dont know what else to do. they may be deeply and overwhelmingly invested in their marriage – their identity may be deeply embedded in the supportive partner role and relinquishing that can be psychologically catastrophic. the importance of this ‘being a good person’ identity is evident also in the parents, siblings and friends of individuals who identify or have been identified (as in the cases of minors) as ‘transgender’. In adult partnerships, there are quite often children to protect from the potential fallout. there is a gossamer thread to tightrope walk across and you can never see the end…There is no end. it will always be maybe or maybe not, resentment, betrayal, dithering about full time transition, public or private, etc and while he forbids you to speak of it dont imagine he isnt out there online gathering support from thousands of other men who also enjoy taking endless selfies… and dont imagine one or two of those mates he goes out with arent ‘tranny-chasers’ and having a good old laugh at your naivete while they share your marital bed without your knowledge. but he’s not gay! in no way is he gay. he is a non gay lesbian who gets a kick out of the male gaze but wants to stay with his wife and make her a lesbian she can be gay but he is definitely not gay okay? even though he has a heterosexual wife who is willing to try and be a lesbian so long as he promises not to have the surgery she will pretend anything he likes.. but its so unfair to stop him from having his healthy organs surgically removed so he can have a ‘vagina’ “i’ve always wondered what it would be like to be fucked as a woman” (what, even though youre a man and a lesbian and not gay at all?)….. THE MADNESS!
    Losing your identity so that someone else can claim theirs – i doubt its a coincidence that lili elbe’s wife is portrayed as an alcoholic, and that many other wives and partners find themselves shoring-up-and-blotting-out for years, after this kind of gaslighting. no one should be expected to live a lie. no loving wife wants to see her husband become a freak show, some ludicrous parody. no wife who married in good faith an ostensibly heterosexual man, should have to endure this without any prior warning. where is the compassion for the partners identity and sexuality? where are the forums for us to speak and seek peer support? where are our suicide prevention and mental health services and research and specialised support groups and services ? who is counting the suicide statistics and collating the psychological morbidities of those closely associated with trans? … the parents, siblings, partners, wives, husbands?

  15. No one that’s fucking who. Diana Aitchison, representing the Beaumont Society Wives was calling out for it at the GENDYS conference of 1998 – 18 years ago.
    While billions of pounds has been spent on studying gender dysphorics and their needs, developing an entire medical empire around treatments which have so far yielded no evidence of improving outcomes apart from anecdotal reports that SRS makes you happier. this is despite the results of long term studies failing to show any improvement in overall outcome in terms of measurable improvements in rates of suicide, psychological morbidity or male pattern criminality.
    while there can be no doubt about the catastrophic consequences for Significant Others finding themselves being put in this situation and the mental health services can be in no doubt about the consequences for S.O.’s of encouraging transexualism and colluding in its concealment from the significant others.. we are still waiting for someone, somewhere to acknowledge the harm caused to us ….
    this is 18 years old… http://www.gender.org.uk/conf/1998/diana.htm

  16. “..It is estimated that some 100 hundred women per year are delivered into psychiatric care as a direct result of their experiences. Many remain silent, too traumatised to describe what has happened to them. It is my intention to try to describe hitherto unrecognised mechanisms at work within a relationship where Gender Dysphoria is present, which reinforce female disempowerment and which can ultimately destroy their psychological well being…”

    i was one of those women. silly old menopausal hysterical women, ‘delivered’ (driven and swatted) into psychiatric care. where i was further abused, belittled, ignored dismissed as ‘transphobic’ , traumatised. filmed in acute distress for a publicly broadcast documentary without my consent and summarily discharged without support 5 days later. when i say ‘delivered’ i mean several policemen broke into my house in the middle of the night and on their say so an ambulance came to take me away. i was transferred to hospital in a locked metal box. i was kicked out 5 days later with no money and no explanation. i am a single mum with two daughters. nobody questioned his sanity at all – i never saw him shed a single tear.. he was happy as a lark and very excited indeed, as were his new friends, about the hormones and surgery.

  17. as the childbearing class of human being, women seek emotional security in a parenting relationship. Marriage and parenting is teamwork, but given that women gestate, nourish and for the most part rear their young, they have a right to expect basic emotional security and not to be pissed about for years by a coward. dont goive me social pressure shite.. try being an actual woman with actual female biology ffs. . all humans in committed intimate relationships deserve honesty and truth. they deserve the opportunity to informed consent to the relationship they are investing everything in – and *before* they bring children into a situation they may, or may not have been given the information to fully appreciate.
    individuals struggling with trans issues are obliged to be open and honest as their partners are with them. they are obliged to respect their partners sexuality just as they expect to be obliged when they finally divulge their hidden agenda..

  18. My wife knew of my crossdressing before we were married. She does not participate or encourage me i any way. I keep my body and legs smooth shaven; and would love for my wife to encourage me; better still, order me to wear sheer nylons on a regular basis for her inspection, seeing as I keep my legs so feminine. She could even tease me about my crossdressing, and call me her husband “bitch”. Thus; I would enjoy a dominant side to her nature. I would give anything for her to encourage and accept my feminine side and crossdressing. In return, I’d be open to her seeing other men of her choice, if she so desired and decided. I’ve had that fantasy since before we were married. Maybe too little; too late.

  19. My wife knew of my crossdressing before we were married. She does not participate or encourage me in any way. I keep my body and legs smooth shaven; and would love for my wife to encourage, even better, order me to wear sheer nylons on a regular basis for her inspection, seeing as I keep my legs so feminine. Thus; I would enjoy a dominant side to her nature. For her to have some encouragement for my fetish would be so positive. In return; I’d even be open to her seeing other men, and even having an intimate relationship if she so desired. I suppose I’ve always had these feelings and fantasies. Maybe too little; too late.

  20. Pingback: LED 19 – Is May the New Maggie? – Anti-Semitism in Sweden and Westminster – Women’s Football – Wrongful Birth – Sinclair Ferguson on Education – Transmania continues. – THE BLOG OF DAVID ROBERTSON

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